Emotional Holes

Most of you will not know this about me, but some of you will. I am an emotional train wreck. Picture my emotions as a large hole. At the top, there is joy, laughter, love, happiness. In the middle is indifference, neutral, common sitting in a chair straight faced. Toward the bottom is anger, rage, hatred. At the very bottom is sadness, tears, grief, sorrow, depression, pain and eventually numbness.

With that illustration being written out for you, let me tell you how I deal with this proverbial hole. I tend not to do anything when I’m at the top and in the middle (picture me with rock-climbing gear on). I’m ok. I’m happy here. I see the sun shining in on me. It doesn’t matter if I slip from one area to the next, I’ll just climb back to the top and find a nice spot to rest on a little ledge.  And then, I lose my footing while climbing back to happiness from indifference, down into the anger, rage and sadness area. It’s darker here. It’s getting ugly, and cold, and scary. I still have some sunlight shining on me. I can tolerate it here if I am too tired to climb back. So, I decide I will poke around for a comfortable place to sit and regain my strength. But, then, I hit a slippery spot and fall down to the bottom. I make several attempts to claw my way back to the area of anger, rage and hatred, because, honestly, it’s much more comfortable there than it is in this frigid place. There is no light. There is no glimmer of joy, happiness, laughter or love. I can’t see the sunshine. I hate it here; it’s so much better up in the anger area. So, again, I grab, pull and dig my way back up into the anger, never managing to get back up to the neutral or happy area.  Anger is ok. I can stay here. As long as I’m not at the bottom in the sad, numb area, I’m ok. Right? Even when I feel those emotions, I can find my way back to the anger and I’ll be better than if I were actually IN that emotion. Then, I lose my footing, and I’ve fallen, flat on my ass right in the middle of this horrible place. What’s worse? I’m stuck. I can’t get out. I can’t move. It’s as if I am glued to this one spot, bruised, scraped and broken.

Does anyone else have this issue? Do any of you find it easier to just be in the anger zone and then find that you have fought so hard to maintain your position in the anger, you just can’t hold onto that one little spot any longer and then you actually HAVE to feel your emotions?

I have a confession to make (I bet you already know). Generally, I am stuck in anger. It’s so much easier to just be plain pissed off at everything than to deal with the emotion at hand. I don’t like to deal with my emotions. It hurts.

At some point, I will have to learn how to do this, right? Eventually, my soul will evolve to the point that I will be able to process and handle my emotions like everyone else, right?

God, please, let someone tell me I am right.