Kicking and screaming. That's how I am
right now. I am kicking and screaming against my lesson for this
year. See, the lesson is Letting Go. A theme that I have carried
around on my blog and repeated and reminded you, the masses, about.
Well, tonight, I realized that this Letting Go epiphany ties right
into that big, scary word FORGIVENESS. Oh LORD HAVE MERCY ON ME! No,
I am not good at this forgiveness thing. I mean, yeah, someone hurts
my feelings, I am good at forgiving and moving forward with life. The
level of pain that I have experienced this year is profound. It is
the worst, sharpest, stabbiest, scab ripping off every time I turn
around kind of pain. At times, it seems to be unbearable. I have
beaten myself up so much over this. “Somehow, I have done something
in my past to deserve such cruel and hateful punishment. I must
deserve this treatment. I MUST have done SOMETHING to warrant such a
painful, horrendous, terrifying turn in my life.”
You know what? I haven't done anything.
That's exactly the point. I am not willing to forgive the people
involved in this terrifying hell that I am living in. I am not
willing to let it go, to move on, to forgive them as Christ forgives
me. (Ok, hang on to your britches folks, I'm about to get a little
preachy here.) Most of you will not know this, but a few, selected
people do have the privilege of knowing me very well. I may curse
like a sailor, but I am also a God fearing woman. I love Jesus, we
are friends. I have conversations with God, a lot. I was raised in
the church and I hold those teachings and my God near to my soul and
the core of my being. I know what I believe, and I know that God is
part of me. Jesus lives in my heart and one glorious day, I will get
to live up in the Heaven. Ok? Are we all on the same page now? Good.
Let's move on. So, there is this rule that I am supposed to follow.
It's something to the effect of Forgive as I have forgiven you. Come
on, are you serious? You do know and realize that I am not a God, I
am HUMAN?? See, while I realize that I am freaking awesome and
amazing, God, you can't seriously expect me to forgive these
jackasses, right? Clearly that is the resounding YES that keeps
slapping me in the face, which I am mistaking for Karma. It has been
a sad night here. A sad night of realizing that I am exactly that, a
human being. Not God. Not supernatural. Not anything more than a soul
with a body, which makes me human for the time being. Humans are not
perfected, hence the reason they are on this earth. Humans are not
capable of forgiveness without help from the supernatural being above
named.....yep, you guessed it, God.
So, kicking and screaming. That's what
I have been doing. Kicking and screaming against everything in MY
being. Defying God. Telling him to basically suck it. I'm not bending
to your will. So, you know what has happened? Much like a 2 year old,
I have been given a spiritual “spanking” if you will. That's the
worst kind of whippin'. It hurts your most inner, soft, sensitive
spots.
Ok, God, I get it. What? You want me to
forgive these fools that have smashed me into pieces that can't even
be counted? You want me to love them as you love them? See them
through your eyes? Well, yeah, I can't do that. I'm sorry. It just
doesn't work that way for this human. I can't do it alone. I must
have help. I must have strength that I just don't have. You see, God,
not that you need me to point this out to you, I hate them. I hate
them with everything that I am. I hate what they have done, I hate
what has become from their misery inflicting behavior. I more than
hate. I loathe. I just can't do it alone. I have to have your help.
After all, I am human. I'm not you. I'm not perfect, and I certainly
don't love everyone.
There you have it. Raw. Unabridged. My
conversation with God tonight. My update on my life, my catharsis and
the embarrassing revelation that it took me 9 months to figure out
that God was telling me Letting Go is Forgiving. I feel like such a
dumb ass. Well, at least it came now. At least I can honestly say I
am working towards that now. I am trying hard, and praying every step
of the way. I am absolutely expecting a miracle.
If you are reading this and you are
involved in this situation. Make no mistake. I have NOT forgiven you
yet. I am working towards that. You are still on my shit list. Don't
get too excited.
~Lou~
