In Search Of Sanity: May 2013

Recently I have been spending a lot of time at the beach. You know, I DO live at the beach. It is my safe haven, my place of rest, relaxation and the place where I can really clear my head. I don't go there nearly enough. That is all about to change.

I decided this morning that prior to my Mother's Day Tea scheduled at my littlest little's school, I would take the opportunity to stroll around, take some amazing pictures, and maybe get a chance to chat with my mom, since she works down there. Off I go, camera in tow.

Oh, Dear Lord. What is happening?

Once I got on the boardwalk, I see THIS:

First of all, I need to inform you all that tourist season does not officially start until AFTER Memorial Day. Technically, STILL MY BEACH. Go home. Come back later. We aren't ready for you yet.

I happened to notice that a short ways down the boardwalk were quite a few 18 wheelers lined up.

This, I must investigate. Oh, I see. I understand why all of these people have invaded my happy place before the expected arrival. Some sort of event is taking place this weekend. Yamaha Outdoors. Hmmmmm.

Walking, walking, walking. This is too much. I am getting crazy stupid excited now. MONSTER TRUCKS. BIG TRUCKS.

I LOVE trucks. I have one. Her name is Shoshanna, Shosh for short. Now, Shosh is NOT a monster truck, but, she holds her own. She is pretty bad ass. SEE?

She needs a boyfriend. Luckily, I have a GORGEOUS group to choose from, and I do mean gorgeous. See, I am one of those girls that gets HOT over trucks. Seriously. Here I am thinking.....”Oh Dear God, what is happening in my pants right now? These trucks are HOT.” I don't care who you are. You will agree. H. O. T. HOT. Tires, shocks, chrome, running boards, rims, kc lights and diesel engines.

Words like Super Duty, Power Stroke, Lariat, and Turbo Diesel send me into a frenzy. You know, like the hyenas in The Lion King when the name Mufasa is uttered? Yeah, I pretty much have the same reaction to big ass trucks. Check out the pictures, you will see what I am talking about. If you don't, you are LYING to yourself. It's never nice to lie to yourself, so, just stop. Right now.

So, I am still fairly pissed that my happy place has been invaded. Why can't I have the trucks all to myself? HUNH? Damn promotional bullshit. Whatever. Then I realize, HEY, Virginia Beach is a MOST hospitable city. Let me share with you just how hospitable we are.

We have a museum for you. FREE of charge, right here, on the boardwalk.

We provide you with nice water fountains and outdoor areas to rinse yourself off after your visit to the sand and ocean water.

We give you light in the darkness.

Playground, on the beach. Need I say more? Oh, yes, I should. IT LOOKS LIKE A FREAKING SHIP!! YEAH. We are THAT awesome.

We let people fish on our beach. Usually they perform said fishing in the designated areas, like on the pier, or at the inlet. CLEARLY this douche nozzle has NOT read the plentiful signs that my hospitable city has placed EVERYWHERE to inform you of what you can and can't do, and where you can and can't do it. More on that topic in a moment. Here is the poop rag, fishing in the swimming area, which, really isn't an issue at the moment, BUT, as a local citizen, I feel it my duty to inform anyone wishing to visit my most awesome beach, THERE ARE DESIGNATED FISHING AREAS AND SWIMMING AREAS AND SURFING AREAS, READ THE FUCKING SIGNS AND KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE DOING BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF OR SOMEONE ELSE. Thanks.

Now, I mentioned that we like to post a lot of signs here in Virginia Beach. So, we shall start with the signage.

I'm pretty sure you don't NEED to post a “No Lifeguard On Duty” sign on a lifeguard stand that is LAYING ON IT'S SIDE IN THE SAND. I feel like that is just self explanatory. Perhaps I am mistaken. Perhaps some people still need to see that sign.

Please note the FOR YOUR SAFETY sign. Let me go over the rules with you.

Ask lifeguard about water conditions. - doesn't really need elaboration, but, I'm going to anyway, just for those of you wondering WHY this would POSSIBLY be important. The ocean has this stuff called current, and undertow. You need to know what these two things are doing before you set foot in the water, or it could, very honestly, wind up tragic for you and your family. This is really nothing to joke about. ALWAYS ask about conditions. Especially if you are not used to the ocean. Just sayin'. It breaks my heart when I hear about someone drowning at the beach because they were unaware of how to survive the water conditions.
Red Flags = Water is dangerous. - just don't go in. Don't be a hero, don't be stupid. Just sit in the sand. It's fun there too.
Never swim alone. - DUH. Really. DUH.
Know your swimming ability. Stay close to shore. - Again, I say DUH. Common sense people. Some of us are blessed with it, others, not so much. Clearly the reason for having to post these rules.
Floatation devices are NOT a substitute for swimming ability. - Really?..... REALLY? Someone must have had this irrational thought at some point, hence the need for it to be posted. It's the OCEAN people. Respect it.
If caught in a rip current, swim parallel to shore. - Good advice. Take it. A rip current will start pulling you where you don't want to go. You MUST swim parallel to shore in order to free yourself from the current. The entire ocean is not like that, just the part you are caught in. Learn it, do it, live it. This applies to many other areas of life, but, that, my friends, is another blog entirely.
Never leave children unattended. - This needs to be stated WHY? Again, clearly, someone has made this mistake. BONEHEADS.
Don't dive. Go feet first. - First of all, if you are stupid enough to think you can DIVE into the ocean from the SHORE, you need serious help. For real. Secondly, if you think you CAN do that, have fun. Don't cry to me when your neck is broken. It's the shoreline for fucks sake.
Avoid the water at night, dawn or dusk. - Another DUH moment. Let me explain for those of you that may be a little confused. There are these things called SHARKS in the ocean. During the day, typically, they stay far out near the bottom. They like it to be cold, and dark. Night, dawn and dusk are their main feeding times. They come up to shore looking for food. If you are in the water, bon appetite. Just sayin'.

Here in Virginia Beach, we take surfing seriously. We have laws protecting the surfers. Look. Seriously. Not kidding. Swim in the surfing area, I dare you. POLICE ENFORCED BITCHES. City Code. SERIOUS SHIT RIGHT THERE.

Nightly $69 N Up. Well, I'd like to nightly 69 n up. Oh, wait, I don't think that's what they are referring to here. Perhaps a little clarification for those of us with gutter minds. Thanks, Ocean Side Inn.

Ocean Key, why are we congratulating Bill? Could you elaborate? I would like to congratulate Bill as well, but, I need to know what I am congratulating him for. Whatever, CONGRATULATIONS BILL!!!

This sign here, well, it is one of my favorites. It means, NO CURSING. So shut your fucking speak holes, this is a family place, and your crap blowing will not be tolerated, Jizz Monkey.

Since I have already covered the fact that we take surfing and fishing seriously around here, THIS SIGN, in particular, gave me quite the chuckle. OH, and the fact that one of our more hilarious residents decided to change PIER to PIE. Because if you were to swim, surf or bodyboard within 200 feet of the pie, that could potentially be devastating to both you and the pie. OH, and the fact that people FISH off the pier, yeah, common sense people. Common. Sense.

I'm not sure we know where the pier is. Could you put a big ass sign there to tell us what that enormous, wooden thing is that travels from the beach quite a ways out into the ocean? Because, I am not sure that we know exactly what that is, nor can we figure it out. Also, we are going to need it to be lit up like a fucking Christmas tree so we can find it. Because, surely, we won't be able to.

Up, here we go, more rules to follow while you are in Virginia Beach. Make sure you understand them.

Let me be of some assistance to you. Here, in Virginia Beach, we want you to enjoy your stay. We also want you to help others enjoy THEIR stay as well. SO, refrain from committing any of the following offenses:

Cursing or using obscene or vulgar language or gestures. - breaking it down, one step at a time. If at anytime we hear any of you pecker folds and queef flaps using obscene or vulgar damn language, you are gonna get bitch slapped, chode swabbed, possum plugged, confederate packed, or ticketed (make sure there aren't any cops around when you pecker clots and ho biscuits rev up your filthy damn trailer park crappers). Don't grab your crotch or your titties. It's not necessary. Don't grab or slap any woman's ass on the strip. We are in the SOUTH. Act like gentlemen and ladies. For SHITS sake, this is not a twat farm. Stop acting like it.
Engaging in sexually explicit behavior. - There are plenty of hotels, go get a room. Sex on the Beach is a drink, not something you actually DO. Sand, not sexually friendly. Seriously. Take your testicle and muff diddling, honky jerking, bubba porking, skunk weasel, mama fetus hole shit to the hotel. We don't want to see your 'gina junkie, crust jerking, slut mongering shit. Ok?
Wearing revealing attire that is inappropriate in a public setting. - It's a beach, not a strip club. Learn the difference. If you need assistance in this department, I am sure there are plenty of strip clubs you can visit prior to your arrival so you will be able to differentiate between the two. You see, when you dress like you are going to work at a strip club, it tends to make the boys turn into cock wankers. No one wants to see your muff sandwich. Seriously.
Engaging in any behavior which is likely to intimidate, harass or disrupt the peaceful enjoyment of others. - Layman’s terms: CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Engaging in any act which violates the law. - I suggest you read up on our laws before arriving. We have a lot of them. Memorize them. Don't break them. We are knob swabs when you break the law. True story.

Here is another sign that I am unsure as to WHY this needs to be stated. Oh, wait, that's right, SOMEONE has done something stupid, like drive their car, or motorcycle, or ridden their bike on the damn sidewalk. Genius.

We provide portable toilets for your convenience. Handicapped accessible ones at that! We plan for everything. Except for the fact that your wheelchair or walker may not operate very well in the FUCKING SAND. Oh, and these are no ordinary portable toilets, they are ELITE SEATS. Yes, we are THAT fancy here.

We provide you with these fine Tidewater Volleyball posts. You provide the net and ball, and we will give you this completely obstructed area to play in. You move the obstructions yourself. We are nice, but, we aren't THAT nice.

We believe in putting these enormous, colorful sculptures all over the beach that are tempting, and awe inspiring to little people, and then posting signs that you are NOT allowed to climb on the sculptures. Cuz, yeah, we KNOW that's gonna happen. No one is gonna go NEAR those sculptures. Ever. The ones that physically can't be climbed upon, are generally heavily branded. See below example.

We put up pretty gates to keep you out of where we don't want your tang farter. Stay out.

We have utilities. True story. I am pretty sure that this one down here that says Virginia Electric and Power Co. (aka VEPCO) should be changed out to Dominion Virginia Power, since VEPCO went away LONG before I was grown. Again, just sayin', updated information can be VALUABLE. Spring for some new manhole covers.

We offer local newspapers for purchase, in case you care to know a tad of national news and a lot of inconsequential local news, as well as numerous FREE visitors guides, coupons and maps on nearly every corner! If you get lost, you have no one to blame but your own gut banging stupidity for not picking up this free, and valuable information.

We care if there is a fire. I am pretty sure since all these things appear to me, to be fire extinguishing, they are related to the AMAZING local firefighters. If they aren't, don't correct me. Let me live in my blissful ignorance. Thanks.

We have beautiful brickwork. Just look.

We will feed you seafood, sushi, steaks, hoagies from heaven (wraps and salads too), pizza from another planet, AND BEER, at a TAPHOUSE. No lie.

In Virginia Beach, we have poles and chains. Don't fuck with us. Seriously. Don't. You bush fungus.

We have lovely parking garages. Some of which are totally open and air conditioned. Not sure why they choose to spend all that money and electricity on air conditioning an OPEN GARAGE. But, that's their Karma, now, isn't it? Hey, at least the pigeons seem to enjoy a nice break from the heat.

We offer plentiful shopping choices here on the strip. Most of which will offer you GREAT deals. Just don't buy the shells. For real. They are imported. From Florida. Don't waste your money. Walk on that amazing thing called the BEACH, and find your own. It's much more fun and incredibly more cost effective in today's economy!!

We are technology friendly. It's true. Smart phone? Scan the QR code and be GUIDED through what you are looking at. That's valuable information right there. They are located all up and down our incredibly straight boardwalk. Go ahead, scan, read, learn, enjoy. Repeat if necessary.

We do fun shit. All. The. Time. Yep. Proof.

This lovely hotel has conveniently color coded the rooms for your protection. I am assuming that the green means that some sort of nasty bodily fluid has been spilled in that room, the orange can only mean blood has been spilled there. If I were you, and you were booking THIS hotel in particular, I would go with a blue room. Blue appears to be clean, like water. Just my humble, yet HELPFUL opinion.

We have chairs for rent! Lots and lots and lots of chairs, and sunshades, and umbrellas (Which unfortunately had all been rented, so, I didn't get a picture of them stacked up, but you can see them up above where I ranted about the locals still owning the beach and tourists need to go the hell home until after Memorial Day.), oh, and more chairs. You need chairs? Come to Virginia Beach, we have a plethora of chairs.

We have more fun shit! At least someone says it's fun. I'm not so sure about it, but, to each his own. Looks like they are all death traps to me, but, like I said, to each his own.

We have this lovely gazebo. Apparently, this girl is a kindred spirit. Coming down for some peace, quiet and a chance to write it out. I just wanted proof that I am not the only one.

Virginia has had some LEGENDS come out of it, and we can teach you about them. While you are here, you should embark on a history lesson. Lots of pretty awesome people are from the VA. Grace Sherwood, George Washington, Douglas MacArthur, Booker T. Washington, James Madison, Patsy Cline, Thomas Jefferson, Ella Fitzgerald and Walter Reed just to name a few.

We have these crazy parking meters, and you better damn well make sure that you have that money sucker payed on time, or else you are getting a BIG, FAT TICKET, and probably a tow. Be mindful. Remember where you parked. No one else is gonna remember for you. Trust me, the City is not gonna care if you forgot where you parked your car, or that you got lost. Tough shit. Feed that fucking meter.

We have churches at the beach! Yep. Truth. We are BIBLE believing people around these parts. Respect it. Every hour, you can hear church bells ring. They used to play hymns on Sunday mornings. They have stopped. My best guess is that someone got a bad case of butthuritis and complained. What a grease farter. It's a beautiful sound. Like it or shut the hell up and leave.

You never roam alone in Virginia Beach. Gnome love.

We are also artsy fartsy.

We find unexpected things, in unexpected places.

In all seriousness, we want you to enjoy yourselves. Just remember, people really do live here.

Trash cans are for trash. Not the planters, not the beach. We have paid a lot of money to have plenty of trash cans available for your use, so USE them.