Who Are You?

So, here it is. My life has been crazy. School got out, summer is in full swing, I’m still waiting on the epic divorce shit to be over with, life has somewhat normalized for everyone, which is a positive.

Along this journey, I have realized that family isn’t always family, and friends will come and go. That’s cool. I’m ok with that. It hurts like hell, but, it is what it is and if they can’t support me, then I don’t need them and their negativity. (And just a quick note....you never cared to read my blog before, so, WHY are you reading it now? You know who you are, but, I'll be polite and not call you out by name.)

I came across a question recently that actually stumped me. Like SERIOUSLY stumped me.

“Tell me about yourself.”

Ok, not so much a question, but, rather, a statement. A statement that I had absolutely no response for. My answer used to be this: “I am a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, an aunt, a friend. I am a cook, a baker, a taxi driver, a counselor, a nurse, a mediator, a problem solver, a partner, a confidant.”

But, really? That’s all superficial. It’s not what people want to know. They want to know ME. WHO am I? Well, let’s think about this for a minute. I am exactly all of the above. Well, minus the wife and partner thing now. I got fired from that job. I should get unemployment for that shit.

On a deeper level, I am a soul. So, what’s in my soul that makes me, me? 

Lots of love. I love really well. Completely, with every fiber of my physical and spiritual being. I am forgiveness. Probably one of the most forgiving people you will ever encounter. Though, some forgiveness is harder to give than other forgiveness, and I’m still diligently working on that. I have a great sense of humor. I’m pretty sure that’s what has saved me through all of this.

But, again….is that what is really being asked of me?

I am have a deep need to be loved. I believe every person has that need. It’s born with us and dies with us. I have spent a great deal of time over the last year, believing that I am unlovable, and that I am not worthy of the kind of love that every human being deserves. I just want to be accepted and loved for who I am. Not what I look like, not what I can do for you, not what you expect I should become for you.

I want to be someone’s everything. The be all, end all. THE GREAT love of their life. You know, Nicholas Sparks style. All pretending and jokes aside. I think it exists. I’ve seen it in my grandparents, in my parents, in my brother and sister in law, in my sister and her marriage.….so why not me? Why don’t I deserve to have that kind of love?

I am tainted, I am sad, I am a little bit crazy. I am rude at times, I am sometimes humble (something I try to be always), I am compassionate. I have dreams and desires. I have fears, I have wishes, I have goals.

Still, that all seems so superficial to me. So honestly? I can’t give an answer to the statement “Tell me about yourself.” I guess I am still learning who I am. At 36 you would think I would have that down pat by now…..not true.

I will say that I am coming into my own. Believing that I am sexy, and beautiful and amazing. I have family and new acquaintances to thank for that.

I guess if you really want to know me, you have to invest time into me. Because I am a mystery. Even to my own self.

Til next time,

~Lou~