2015: A Recap. 2016: A Glimpse Of Reality.

It’s been so long since I last blogged. Let me see. 2015 was a year that totally sucked ass. I mean, really, truly sucked ass. It was awful. Horrible. Terrible. Really, a bad year. I’ll spare you most of it, but, I will let you in on a few stories from 2015, and the beginning of 2016, that broke me.

In January, I lost a very, very dear friend. Now, mind you, I’d never had the pleasure of meeting her in person, but we talked on the phone, we communicated online, and we truly, loved each other. She passed unexpectedly, in her sleep. She left behind family, and her two young daughters. I ached for months from that loss. I still find myself wishing I could pick up the phone and talk to her sassy self again. But, our Kimberly is in a better place now. For that, I am grateful.

On August 19,2015, I received a call from my Mom. I knew my Uncle was in the hospital, but, we all thought everything was going to be fine. How very wrong we were. The doctors called my Mom at work and told her that he had taken a turn for the worse. That the family needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible. I was a wreck. I got off the phone, and I wailed. I really, and truly wailed. No, I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want him to go. Not Keith. Not now. No. Just NO! As soon as I could pull myself together, I got ahold of my sister. We both went with Mama to the hospital. After the almost hour long trek out to the hospital that he was at, we arrived at his room in ICU. He was labored in his breathing, and not responding to my Mom. When she told him that she brought me and my sister with her, his eyes sprung open and he shouted, in perfect Keith form, “OH MY GOD!!!”. He was so happy to know that we were there. We spent the afternoon with him. We prayed with him, we laughed, we greeted the Hospice team and the Chaplains. They all spent a great deal of time with us that day, and were so interested to hear our stories of Keith. They had spent some time with him earlier in the summer when he was there for his disks that were broken in his back. They said they knew all about us, but, Keith had never talked about himself. There were two people who had been so instrumental in my Uncle’s life that helped him in the end, they were both there with us. One stayed with us until the end. We gave my Uncle a roast for his final day with us. We told all kinds of stories about him when he was younger, we talked about what an awesome Uncle he was, and how funny he was, and how much he loved music, and movies, and how he was a collector of memories. He laughed when he could, he was just so weak, and fading so fast. He could hear us though, because he desperately tried to interact with us. I had my own special moment with Keith before he passed. Mama and my sister had gone to talk with the Hospice workers. I leaned over him, rubbed his head, and whispered through the knot in my throat “I love you so much.” He opened his eyes, looked at me and said “I love you too.”. We both shed a few tears, and resumed our day. No one knew we had that moment, and this is the first time I have spoken of it. 

It was a perfect last day for him. The ICU staff decided at around 4:30 that they were going to move him to a regular room as his heart was just so strong and he wasn’t giving up. While they were moving him upstairs, I went out to make a call. When I came back, Mama told me to hurry up and get in there. At 5:25pm, Keith took his last breath. Surrounded by people that loved him dearly.  As heartbreaking as it was for me, and the rest of the family, he was ready. He wanted to go be with Jesus.

          We spent the next few months cleaning out his house, and getting his final affairs dealt with. It was hard, but we did it. Together. I have his journals that he asked me a few years before to take when he passed. I haven’t gotten the courage to read them. One day I will, and I will write his story. Just like he asked me to do. I’m just not ready right now.

          Life got to a semi normal spot, and as soon as that happened, my Grandmother got very, very bad off. January was a whirl wind of events. February came around and we had nurses in for round the clock care of my Grandma. We spent every day at her house with her and my two Uncles. We watched her suffer. We did everything we could to ease her pain, and make her happy. We did the best we could. It was a group effort, not just one or two people. It took all of us. Together. I made her the meals that she asked for, and she ate whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted it. No matter what. We grieved with her. We cried with her. (Against her will, but sometimes we just couldn’t help it, tears couldn’t be held back.) We sang for her. We retold our greatest memories. We spent two months remembering the good. We were able to do with her what we did with Keith. The difference was, we had two months to do these things with her, with Keith we only had a few short hours. There are many, many wonderful memories I have of the two months I saw her every day. I will treasure them forever.

The night before Grandma passed away, I sat with her alone in her room. I held her hand, and rubbed her head. I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. A tear slipped out. I knew it was time. I knew we would get a call that night or the following morning. I told her I loved her so very much, and she told me she loved me too. I left without telling her goodbye that night. I didn’t want that to be the last thing I said to her. I left her with “I love you so much, Grandma.”. She passed away on February 21, at 7:15 in the morning, in her own home, in her own room, on her own terms. Just the way she wanted it to be. I know that Keith came to get her, and hollered out “Come on, Mama! You aren’t going to believe this! It’s FABULOUS!” I am thankful for the time I had with her. I am thankful that she was my Grandma. She was a lovely, meek, mild, wonderful woman, and I will always, always love her.

          Relationships among family members are funny. Some grow stronger, and some blow up in your face. Sometimes, you realize that blood doesn't matter as much as people says it does. Blood doesn't mean that much to me anymore. Being a family is much more than sharing DNA. It's about loving, supporting and carrying those that need it the most, when they need it the most. It's about uplifting, and being positive. It's about grieving together, and healing together. These two deaths were so incredibly traumatic for our family. One was a sudden trauma, and one was watched, painfully, day in and day out. It’s so hard to lose a family member to death, it’s even harder to lose a family member because they are so filled with hatred and discontent, that they tear you apart with their words. Especially after a death in the family. Lessons have been learned, bridges have burned down and are left smoldering. Perhaps someday all will be forgiven, perhaps we will rebuild bridges. I hope we will. For now, there is too much hurt. Too many things have been said and a simple I’m sorry won’t fix it. I’ve heard I’m sorry too many times.

          I sit here tonight. Reliving pain. Reliving sorrow. Reliving trauma. Why? Because. I need to remember this. There needs to be a record of this. Because it mattered. It changed me. It made me a different person. I have been changed, for good. Things don’t matter. People do. Memories do. Not things. Life, and how you live it, and the legacy you leave behind. Those are the things that matter the most. This blog was not nearly as long as it could have been, or should have been. Sometimes I get so lost in my head, I can't even begin to share it all, and sometimes it comes out like word vomit on a screen. Sometimes still, some memories are so treasured, that they must be kept in my head and heart. Some things are for just me. I know some of you may be a little lost on the whole story, and maybe one day I will share the whole story, but not today. The moral of my story here? Get out there and LIVE! You only have a small amount of time. Live it well!!!

~Lou~

P.S. There were a couple great things that happened in 2015. I had two more great nieces born!! YES!! TWO! I got one in May, and one 2 days after Christmas. I AM blessed.