16 months

16 months. What happens in 16 months? Well, let me fill you in.

In the past 16 months, I have:

    Grieved the loss of my Grandfather. The first close loss, I, personally, have ever experienced.

    I have watched helplessly as our family has dealt with far more issues than we should.

    I have fought the battle to change people. A battle I have sadly lost.

    I have developed an amazing friendship.

    I have celebrated the marriage of two amazing, wonderful people. 

    I have been Black Friday shopping, twice.

    I have made Christmas ornaments.

    I have rekindled my relationship with my God Sister.

    I have set by and watched grief, heartache and healing. And it was awful, and amazing all in one package.

    I have said goodbye to my nephew. Cried while he was in boot camp, cried when he graduated, cried during holidays without him, and cried when I found out he would be stationed back at home.

    I have forged a relationship with 4 weenie dogs. 2 are mine, the other 2 are my adopted babies. They now live in Cornville.

    I have taken an entire day to visit graveyards and documented that day with my unexpected love of photography. I spent that day with one of the best friends a girl could ever ask for. I also got the opportunity to visit my Great Grandmother’s grave that day. Something I haven’t done in far too many years.

    I have sent my husband back to the oilfield. 4 times. All 4 times my heart broke just a little more.

    I have spent an entire day driving wherever the road took me and 2 amazing, bad ass girls. It happened to lead us to a ferry ride, an old jailhouse, a small, quaint town where all directions are backwards, a farmers market, a canoe trip gone terribly wrong, a bomb shelter, the birthplace of flight, a trampoline bridge and countless other memories. It was a magnificent day full of exploring and laughter. We ended that day taking pictures of my cousin for her prom. It was AMAZING.

    I have said goodbye to one of my best friends and my God Children. (Not really, I chickened out, just like last time.) I know they know that I love them and I MISS them. They now reside in Cowboy land.

    I have said farewell to an amazingly fierce little family, that includes my Bestie. It was crazy hard. I am not one for goodbyes…..ask the other Bestie. You are lucky you were sleeping at my house and I HAD to say goodbye. I don’t do that easily. They, too, reside in Cornville.

    I have changed the way I deal with a certain person. I FINALLY closed that chapter of hurt, pain, heartache and discontent. I was truly sorry to see it end, and sorry that it had to end that way. Life is much calmer now. Though I miss what once was, I realize it will never be that way again. Please, don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t ALL bad ALL the time. There were some really great moments and some amazing memories that I will ALWAYS hold onto and cherish. If you are reading this, I want you to know that there was a reason for our friendship. I learned from you. Thank you for teaching me.

    I have celebrated my 9^th and 10^th wedding anniversaries! 10 years!! I know there was a bet going at my wedding….who owes who money?!?!

    I have enjoyed 2 Thanksgivings with my family.

    I have partied for Jesus’ birthday. Presents for everyone! Twice.

    I have rung in 2 New Years.

    I have had my own, personal, life changing moment.

    I have today. Today? Today marks the second birthday in 16 months.

Through it all, I have marveled at the strength of the soul. I have lived for 35 years on this plane of existence, and in 35 years, I have never realized how many good, and amazing things happen in just 16 months. I have never realized how much joy accompanies the pain and sorrow in our lives. It’s all about balance, and I am finding mine!  There is good that accompanies the bad. We just have to stop and remember the good to find our peace. I guess this is my year for my Pursuit of Happyness. (Pun totally intended.)

#Epic13

Wishing you all the same Joy, Peace and Comfort I have found.

~Lou~

Letting It Go. Letting It Be. Choosing To Be Free.

Clearly, I need therapy. I am my own therapist (OK, not really, Mom, Dad, Sister, Bestie, Husband, they all play a part, a MAJOR part).  Even though, we all have our own issues and our own therapists, at some point we all have to realize that it is our own SELF that make the difference. Stop blaming everyone else. Stop living the lie. Just STOP. Be who you are. That’s what matters and that is what counts!

There comes a point in time when you reach this cathartic moment in life. And everyone reaches it. That one, single, solitary moment in life, when you are alone, where your whole being screams: “LET IT GO, LET IT BE, JUST MOVE ON! Drop all the anger, drop the hate, and drop the ill regard. Drop the doubt, the worry…drop it. DROP IT. Just leave it alone. Let it lie on the floor, in all of its pathetic misery. All the shattered dreams, hopes, wishes. Leave it alone. Walk away. Start fresh. New beginnings.”

Perhaps it is the start of a new year. Perhaps it is the fact that in a few days I am turning 35. Perhaps it is being tired of living a constant battle. Perhaps, it is just time for a change.

Forgiveness. Simple word. Hard to practice. To forgive is to move on, to move forward, without constantly having your eye on your rear-view mirror. Even when you know that the monster is somewhere back there, following you, trying to get you. Now, how are we expected to forgive, move on and just look forward? Doesn’t that make us naïve? Doesn’t that make us the ones that choose to forget? I’ve always been told forgive and forget. No, you never forget. Do you know why? Because you need to remember who you can trust, who you can’t, who is faithful, who is loyal and who is just downright that snake in the grass waiting to lurch towards you. I know there are those that feel the latter about me. I am sorry that you feel that way. I have only done what is best for me and my family.

The last 4 months have been brutal on me. Life is not easy. No one ever said it would be. Not to sound hokey, but the ride? It sucks. The ride is horrible and I want to throw up all over it. Life SUCKS. It’s hard, and it hurts, and it knocks you to your knees. And in the end? Well, in the end, you die. I believe you go to one of two places, Heaven, or Hell. So, what exactly is the purpose? I’ll make sure to get back to you on that one from Heaven after I have a conversation with my pal, Jesus. Boy do I have some talkin’ to do with him. It might take a while, so don’t hold your breath. In case you can’t wait for an answer, I’ll give you my best guess. My best guess is for us to learn lessons, and be human, and make mistakes, and hurt, and heal and strive to reach Godly perfection, and honor HIM, and trust HIM, and love HIM.

I’m not even sure how I got on this topic. Whatever, let it be, right? I do know this: it is time for a change in my life. It is time for my own, personal catharsis. I will be awakened and revived. It’s time to let go, let be and carry forward. Today, I will drop my baggage. I will release my pain, my brokenhearted, my grief, my anger, my resentment. I am taking the drama and throwing it away, sending it into the wind, knocking that crap out of my life. Today, I am free. And GOD HELP the bastard that throws that shit back in my direction.

You see, I am choosing to be thankful. Thankful for love, hope and promise, thankful for peace, understanding and forgiveness, for friends, family and children, for my God, for Jesus my Savior and the Spirit that dwells within me. I have made a choice. Now, I’m going to fill my 2013 good memories jar so that this time next year, I will see…..it’s not ALL bad. Bettering myself for ME.

Through all of the pain, sorrow, tears, fears and doubt….I am still here. I have made it this far. I may be broken, even shattered, but this is my time. My time for healing. Though I may be covered in cracks, light will shine through them, and I will be beautiful. Wanna see how much farther I can go? ME TOO!

Onward, upward and forward, never backward.

Oodles of love, light and peace!

~Lou~