Blog Challenge: Day 18: What Am I Afraid Of?

Nothing. I am afraid of not a damn thing. Ok, that's a lie.

There are lots of things that I am afraid of. Snakes, mice, rats, things that go bump in the night. You know, typical girlie fears.

There are other things that I am afraid of. My pending divorce, starting a new life, losing the people I love, growing old, moving forward. I'm guessing that I should be elaborating on these fears for you.

I'm screaming afraid of the snakes, mice, and rats. SERIOUSLY. I SCREAM. They scare me. I realize that generally speaking they won't hurt me, and they are more afraid of me than I am of them. But, none the less, still, scared shitless of them.

On to the bigger and badder fears.

My pending divorce. You see, it's not so much that I am afraid of this. It is a grieving process. I am grieving the loss of a relationship. A 12 and a half year relationship, and almost 11 year marriage. It's sad, it hurts, it's lonely and no matter who says it, it was never a waste of time. Period. It was time well spent. Living, learning, laughing, growing, building, crying, fighting, overcoming, rejoicing, making tiny humans, building friendships, losing friendships, regaining friendships, and creating a family. So, wasted time? No. Not at all.

Starting a new life. This is a daunting task. It's scary and unknown and lonely and disturbing and it makes me cry and scream trying to build something alone. But, I have learned this....I can and will do it. Because I am THEIR mom. I will do it for them, and them only. Because I have learned that in this huge picture, I don't matter, he doesn't matter, THEY matter. They are the reason that I get up everyday. They are what keeps me chugging along. When it hurts so bad I want to just crawl away in a hole and never surface again, THEY smile, laugh, tell me they love me, and then life is worth it again.

Losing the people I love. No lie, this scares the shit out of me. I can 't bear the thought of losing my grandparents, my parents, my family. I've lost one grandparent, and that alone nearly tore me apart. I can't imagine how much worse it will be the more loss I encounter. I can't talk about this anymore. It makes me want to cry.

Growing old. I don't want to get old, and it's happening. It's happening people. It's scary. I'm getting gray hairs, creaky bones, sore joints and my brain no longer functions like it used to. Don't like it. I just don't like it.

Moving forward. Moving forward is a daunting task. It is difficult, and painful and terrifying. But, I will do it. I will manage to make it. I may feel as if my feet are cemented to the ground, but, I know that once I get moving, I will break into a run that will be so fast, no one will be able to catch me.

Because I am awesome, and amazing, and I don't give a shit if you choose to move forward with me or not. Because, where I am going, it will be sure to be epic.

There you have it.

Later,

~Lou~