2014....a recap

Every year, on this day, I take time to pause and remember the events of the last year of my life. This year is no different.

In January, I celebrated another year of my life, and my nephew returning home from a 7 month deployment. That was an amazing sight, and my heart fills with pride when I think of him. We have been blessed to have him stationed here, with us. Able to watch his journey, first hand. Experience highs and lows, along his side.

I went to court more times than I would have liked for this epic divorce. It's still not finalized, but, meh....I don't really care. I have much more important things to focus on than him, her and their family. I have MY family, my babies and me...we make one hell of a storm.

I lost my uncle to cirrhosis of the liver, as well as some other health issues. The worst part was watching him not know who people were, where he was, what was happening to him. It was sad. I'm thankful that he is no longer suffering.

I celebrated my great nieces turning one, and the announcement of another great niece that will join us in May.

I made amazing, lifelong friends. Friends that will never leave my side. Friends that love and treasure me. That in and of itself is a miracle to me. For so long I've floundered around believing I'm not worthy. To you, my friends....Thank you for loving me. Just because I am me. You build me up, make me stronger and show me daily that I am worth it.

Along with the friends, I've made some enemies. Whatever!! Douchetards, asshats, twat waffles and thunder cunts all come and go. They aren't worth my time, effort or emotions.

There has definitely been some fab stuff happen this year. And without one person in particular, I would have never reached the point that I am at. I've become stronger, wiser and see things differently because of it. I'm calmer. It's been a gift. A gift that I hope I can reciprocate.

What's in store for 2015? Hang on, cuz you won't believe this shit! Hold my beer.

To be continued...

;-)

Later Taters!! Happy New Year!

~Lou~

Blog Is Back Open, Bitches!!

Well, it’s been a while. Let’s see…..where to start???

Oh yeah! The reason I shut down my blog to begin with!! The Epic Fucking Divorce. Papers are signed, waiting on final decree so that I can be free from the liar. That brings me to this: She STILL doesn’t know the truth!! STILL!!! He hasn’t told her the real story. We had a conversation about it when he was here for court. He still hasn’t told her that all that time he was coming home to see his WIFE and children. To spend time with his family. To be a family. Still hasn’t told her that she really IS an affair. Still hasn’t told her that he destroyed our family and that their baby was the absolute dissolution of our marriage and our family. I kind of feel sorry for her. But not really, because, let’s face it, she kinda did it to herself. She had warnings. Being lied to sucks. I know. I lived it for 13 ½ years. When someone tells you, you might ought to listen…..you know….older and wiser? Sometimes it’s best to stop listening to your fucking heart and listen with your fucking brain.

Enough about that. Enough about them. I will never get the apology I deserve. She will never understand until it happens to her. And she will NEVER be woman enough to stand to my face and say…”I fucked up”.

So!! What have I been up to? I’m so glad you asked! I’ve been a busy, busy bee.

(In the interest of privacy, I’m not telling all of the story. Not for my privacy, because, really? I don’t care who knows what….pretty sure one party involved wouldn’t care either, but, since there was not consultation prior to the authoring of this blog, so, I’ll leave a HUGE piece of the story out….)

I helped someone start a good sized group on Facebook, got lied about, kicked out, had my name smeared and maintained my dignity. I left the group with some very, very dear friends by my side, and started another group with an amazing, wonderful friend. You know, the internet can be a wonderful tool to help people, and a tremendous tool to harm people too. It’s a blessing and a curse. Through this experience, I have gained many friends…..all over the United States. Friends that are wonderful, amazing, LOYAL people. People that make my day complete. People that I couldn’t make it through some days without. Friends that have picked me up, dusted me off and are helping me to rebuild. Friends that LOVE me. Really, really love me. I’ve also managed to gain a few enemies. Enemies that are…well….thundercunts of epic proportions. You know the type….they just single you out for no fucking reason, and go balls to the wall out for you, and everything that makes you happy. Fuck it. I’m back to my fuck off attitude. Kiss my passive aggressive ass. I’m better than they will ever think about being. They could never, ever amount to the woman that I am. Oh, and by the way, if you are reading this, and I’m sure you are, back the fuck off of me. I’m minding my own fucking business, leaving you alone and not saying a fucking word. Don’t back off? I don’t give a fuck who I piss the fuck off…..I’ll take your ass down. You won’t know what hit you. I won’t take you down in a small way, it will be BIG, and EPIC and you will be trying to figure out what happened long after the dust settles. Don’t fuck with me. This all started because I made a fatal mistake by trusting YOU with a small bit of information. I don’t know what I did to you to make you hate me, but, it is what it is, and you have fucked up and made the WRONG enemy. Perhaps I should direct you to my ex best friend……I’m sure she can tell you what can and WILL happen when you fuck too hard with me. I’ll take it a while, but, I eventually reach a breaking point, and when I do……God have mercy on you.

What’s in store in the future? I have lots of plans to meet lots of my amazing friends that live in my computer! One I will be seeing again this coming weekend. Another I will be seeing SOON. Not sure when, but VERY soon. I’m making plans to head up north and spend some time with a badass Bronx bitch and her amazing man, maybe dragging someone with me, not sure yet. (I should discuss that with him……oops, if you’re reading, we’re planning this! Wanna come with?) I’m hoping to get to Cornville for some much needed fuckery with one of the besties. Looking forward to my birthday for the first time in years….epicness and ink….never gets better than that! Hoping for some much needed R & R this coming summer while meeting several other people from my incredible internet adventures. You know……I’m fucking popular, bitches! Be jealous. At least I’m not a mean girl.

I’m continuing on with being Epic, Fab and Amazing. With my littles. We have become fierce. The Fierce Four. Fuck with us. I dare you.

Am I still broken? Absolutely. But, guess what? My pieces are put back together. Though I may be cracked, I have incredible people filling those cracks with love. See, I’ve learned some shit along this fucked up journey…..it’s not a person that makes me whole, it’s love. Love. Something I have a lot of…..a lot to give, and so much to receive. It’s been hard for me to open up and receive the love that is being handed to me through this. Love was a hostage for so long. Something withheld. Something unattainable. Sometimes, things are missing and you don’t realize they are missing. You just become accustomed to life as you know it, along with the pain and misery. That’s NOT what it is! It’s always there, you just have to make the conscious decision to go after it. Accept it. Embrace it.

To all of my fans, thank you for believing in me, supporting me, and corralling my crazy.

To all of my haters……..fuck off. Kiss my ass. No matter what you bitches throw at me….you will NEVER break me again. I’ve dealt with this shit for far too long, and you won’t take me down. See, I like to piss everyone off. Live well, Laugh often and Love much. You can’t break my spirit. I let one thundercunt do that before. I will NEVER let it happen again.

Later Taters……

Hugs and Smooches,

~Lou~

Who Are You?

So, here it is. My life has been crazy. School got out, summer is in full swing, I’m still waiting on the epic divorce shit to be over with, life has somewhat normalized for everyone, which is a positive.

Along this journey, I have realized that family isn’t always family, and friends will come and go. That’s cool. I’m ok with that. It hurts like hell, but, it is what it is and if they can’t support me, then I don’t need them and their negativity. (And just a quick note....you never cared to read my blog before, so, WHY are you reading it now? You know who you are, but, I'll be polite and not call you out by name.)

I came across a question recently that actually stumped me. Like SERIOUSLY stumped me.

“Tell me about yourself.”

Ok, not so much a question, but, rather, a statement. A statement that I had absolutely no response for. My answer used to be this: “I am a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, an aunt, a friend. I am a cook, a baker, a taxi driver, a counselor, a nurse, a mediator, a problem solver, a partner, a confidant.”

But, really? That’s all superficial. It’s not what people want to know. They want to know ME. WHO am I? Well, let’s think about this for a minute. I am exactly all of the above. Well, minus the wife and partner thing now. I got fired from that job. I should get unemployment for that shit.

On a deeper level, I am a soul. So, what’s in my soul that makes me, me? 

Lots of love. I love really well. Completely, with every fiber of my physical and spiritual being. I am forgiveness. Probably one of the most forgiving people you will ever encounter. Though, some forgiveness is harder to give than other forgiveness, and I’m still diligently working on that. I have a great sense of humor. I’m pretty sure that’s what has saved me through all of this.

But, again….is that what is really being asked of me?

I am have a deep need to be loved. I believe every person has that need. It’s born with us and dies with us. I have spent a great deal of time over the last year, believing that I am unlovable, and that I am not worthy of the kind of love that every human being deserves. I just want to be accepted and loved for who I am. Not what I look like, not what I can do for you, not what you expect I should become for you.

I want to be someone’s everything. The be all, end all. THE GREAT love of their life. You know, Nicholas Sparks style. All pretending and jokes aside. I think it exists. I’ve seen it in my grandparents, in my parents, in my brother and sister in law, in my sister and her marriage.….so why not me? Why don’t I deserve to have that kind of love?

I am tainted, I am sad, I am a little bit crazy. I am rude at times, I am sometimes humble (something I try to be always), I am compassionate. I have dreams and desires. I have fears, I have wishes, I have goals.

Still, that all seems so superficial to me. So honestly? I can’t give an answer to the statement “Tell me about yourself.” I guess I am still learning who I am. At 36 you would think I would have that down pat by now…..not true.

I will say that I am coming into my own. Believing that I am sexy, and beautiful and amazing. I have family and new acquaintances to thank for that.

I guess if you really want to know me, you have to invest time into me. Because I am a mystery. Even to my own self.

Til next time,

~Lou~