Finding my ray of sunshine

In the midst of hurting, and pain, and sorrow, and grief, and absolute childish bullshit, you run across a ray of sunshine. A ray of light that was meant exactly for you. Exactly at this moment in your life. Exactly what you need.

When someone you have loved your entire life has been called home with Jesus, and it happens so suddenly, so abruptly, that you just can't even process it. You realize, God has spared this person from tremendous pain and suffering. God is good. God has spared so much, and shown so much grace. I feel like I need to take a moment, just one small moment of my life to thank God for this gracious showing of mercy and kindness.

Thank you, God, for sparing Mary the pain and suffering of long, drawn out months of chemo and radiation and eventually, a painful death. Thank you for taking her quickly, with no pain. Thank you. 

I offer up prayers for Ed, and pray that you will give him the peace that he so urgently needs. The comfort that only your hand can give. The healing, that can only come from your grace, and love. 

I have so much that I am dealing with. Wrestling the inner demons, fighting them every step of the way. If it weren't for my amazing friends, family and wonderful, supportive husband, I surely would be buried by them. I know that I am bigger, and better and more amazing than I feel. I can overcome and no amount of childish behavior from others will diminish that.

Among all the darkness, shadows and constant storms writhing within me, I have found another ray of sunshine. I have reconnected with such an amazing friend. She has never closed her heart to me. It is an amazing feeling to have our connection back. I have missed her so much over the years. I am thankful that she loves me as much as she does, and without question, brought me right back into her life. My dear, sweet friend, thank you for still loving me. Thank you for never forgetting me. You have been my ray of sunshine.

Til next time.

~Lou~

When it feels like a zombie is coming.....

Sometimes, things take a crazy, unexpected turn. Sometimes, you try to put the past behind you, and move on, and forget, and bury the pain. Occasionally, you are successful, and sometimes, the past climbs its nasty ass out of it's grave and becomes the zombie that is chasing you. I'm pretty sure that bastard is gaining on me. Good thing I have a plan, right? 

Well, it may not be a well thought out plan. Ok, I have given this much thought and much planning. I just hope that my zombie apocalypse survival plan works. (I am hoping that you have realized that this is all metaphorical.)

Here I am, sitting, and waiting. Waiting to know. Waiting to find some glimmer in the midst of all the darkness that is surrounding me. 

Inevitably, old woulds will be ripped open. They will require healing, again. I'm not sure they ever really healed all the way to begin with. In fact, I know they haven't. So, basically, the scab is being ripped off. Emotions will run high, and hopefully, things will all work out for the best. Hopefully. 

I have to admit that sitting here, and blogging right now, I have a sense of peace that I have never felt before about this issue. Perhaps it is God telling me that I should not be afraid of what is to come. 

The past is the past, and everyone can be an adult, right? 

This is not how I imagined this happening. I never thought it would come down the way it has. I pictured something totally different. I am hoping that this will turn out as good, if not better than I am hoping for. 

Praying for calm seas and clear skies ahead. 

~Lou~

A Thousand Years

I know it's pretty hokey, and I am not one for lovey dovey, ooey gooey, kissy kissy shit, so, just excuse what is getting ready to come out of my fingers. YOU, have been warned.

Do you ever look at your spouse or significant other and think.....GAWD, I feel like we have known each other forever. Not just the "forever" as in our whole lives, I mean FOREVER, like before this life. Like we were destined to be together? Like we were together on another plane of existence? Have you?? Ever?? I feel that way all the time about my husband. We fight, we argue, we irritate each other, but when it all comes down to it. We know who we are, and that we are supposed to be together. I knew it the moment I laid eyes on him, and he knew it from the moment he laid eyes on me. Bottom line is? I love my husband.

Some may say that I am trying too hard to convince others that we are happy, but you know what? We are happy. We love each other, and no one, and no thing will ever change that. We will always love each other. It's just the way it is. We have loved each other for a thousand years, and will continue to love each other for a thousand more.

Here I go again with a song. Just deal with it. It is what it is. I am who I am. I make no apologies, and I make no exceptions.

Enjoy what has become my all time favorite song dedicated to my husband.

A thousand years. That's what it seems like. An eternity of love before and after this life.

~Lou~

Hurry Up Spring!!!

     So, spring is just around the corner. I know this because I have seen daffodils peeking their heads up around these parts. The weather has been just absolutely lovely this week, in the upper 50's, lower 60's and we have enjoyed every minute of it!! 

     I open my Facebook, and what do I see? A message from my favorite weatherman. SNOW. WHAT?!?! Not snow. He must be joking. No, no he is not joking. We are supposed to get 1-2" of that crappy white stuff.....TOMORROW. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Please God, make it stop. I am just starting to pull myself out of the winter funk that I fall into every year. So, I plead to God: "No snow. Please, no snow. I am just not in the mood for snow." 

     Ok, in all fairness, I am never in the mood for snow, but that is beside the point. My point is this. I am getting ready to do spring stuff. Lots of stuff. Have fun, take a road trip, have a supa special guest in from out of town (the bestie, Banana), go on a photo extravaganza (with the bestie, Banana), get tattoo'd (with the bestie, Banana), go on a vacation, see my husband, go on another road trip (to the bestie, Banana's house), see Kelly Clarkson in concert (with guess who? Yep, THE BESTIE, BANANA), have an absurd amount of fun (with the bestie, BAnana). You know....STUFF. So, I need the weather to cooperate with me. 

     Stop snowing, stop moving stupidly cold air back in the area and just freakin' cooperate!!! I need to be OUTSIDE, stretch my wings, knock the dust off, be alive. I can't do that in the snow, unless I am a penguin, and that, I am not. 

     Tonight I am taking my kiddos to a Valentines dance. Tomorrow afternoon, we will be housebound. UGH. Pray for me. Really. I'm serious. 

Here is to hoping you all have sunny skies and WARM weather.

~Lou~

14 Days Round 14

Happy Valentines Day! Today, love is my Valentine. My husband of 10 years. 

Wishing you all a Happy Valentines Day, and much love. 

~Lou~

14 Days Round 13

Love is children. Children bring an immense amount of love into our lives. (For the sake of full disclosure, they also bring a tremendous amount of frustration and pain, but, that's a whole different blog post.) For my kids, love is getting to spend time with their Daddy. Once in a while, we are fortunate enough to get to actually spend time together as a family. I got the rare opportunity to snap this picture of all of them walking together. Moment seized. 

Daddy love. Nothing like it. 

~Lou~

14 Days Round 12

Have you ever experienced love? REALLY experienced it? Sometimes it is breathtaking, and occasionally it’s like glitter in the air. 

Giltter In The Air

P!nk

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don't care?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight

I am pretty sure this song tells it like it is. I’m not going to elaborate any further. 

Hoping that you have glitter in your air today,

~Lou~

14 Days Round 11

Sometimes, you meet someone and you don't really think that the two of you would ever be best friends. Sometimes, the most difficult circumstances bring you together and you form a bond, that will never, ever be broken. Occasionally, that bond is between two of the most awesome people in the world. Today, love is a best friend. My dear, lovely, Banana was born today. Today is HER day. A day to celebrate the wonderful moment that SHE came into the world. You are amazing, and marvelous, and wonderful, and crazy, and emotional, and loving, and supportive, and understanding, and everything anyone could ever ask for. I love and adore you. I wish I could be there with you for your special day. Know that I am thinking of you. Oh hell, who am I kidding? I’m gonna be on the phone with you shortly. Well, right when I get home from the stinkin' Commissary. 

I can't wait to take the rest of this journey with you! We got shit to do and places to see and mayhem to make! Let's get busy!!! 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PURDY BAKED TATER BANANA!!

With ALL my love. 

~Lou~

14 Days Round 10

I live at the beach. Since I do, sometimes I get signs from above. On this one particular day, I found this shell, laying like this, which looked just like a pair of angel wings. Today, love is divine.

May the Angels smile on you today and send you a sign.

~Lou~

14 Days Round 9

Today, my love is remembering. Remembering those we have lost. All too often those that we hold so dear slip away from us and move on. Do you ever wish to have just a minute more with them? Do you long for just one, small, moment more? I do. Do you search for signs that your loved one is still with you? I do. Do you tell stories about their lives and the fun times you had? I do. I laugh and remember, and I am happy. I am happy for the love, and the joy, and the laughter that we shared while they were here with us. I am happy that they are no longer experiencing the pain and sorrow that we still know. But, sometimes, there is a longing to talk to those people, and I can’t. There is a need to see them, but they aren’t here anymore. So, I go ahead, like a crazy person, and talk to them, just like they are sitting there with me. They don’t answer (that’s how I know I haven’t COMPLETELY lost it yet). It just makes me feel better. I hope they hear me. I bet they do.

I am sure that you are going to think I have gone P!nk nuts, but, just go with it. She has a lot to say, and it’s good. She makes sense, and I, personally, adore her.  So, read, listen, watch and absorb what is being said. I bet you have felt the exact same way.

Beam Me Up

P!nk

There's a whole 'nother conversation going on

In a parallel universe.

Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts.

There's a waltz playing frozen in time

Blades of grass on tiny bare feet

I look at you and you're looking at me.

Could you beam me up,

Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it

I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face

Beam me up,

Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,

I think, a minute's enough,

Just beam me up.

Some black birds soaring in the sky,

Barely a breath I caught one last sight

Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,

There are times I feel the shiver and cold,

It only happens when I'm on my own,

That's how you tell me, I'm not alone

Could you beam me up,

Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it

I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face

Beam me up,

Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,

I think, a minute's enough,

Just beam me up.

In my head, I see your baby blues

I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's

One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign

I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights

I'll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,

Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it

I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face

Beam me up,

Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,

I think, a minute's enough,

Beam me up

Beam me up

Beam me up

Could you beam me up.

Once in a while, I’d like to have someone beam me up.

May your day be full of soaring blackbirds, and your night filled with candlelight.

~Lou~

14 Days Round 8

No matter when you fall in love, love is always young. It is forever changing, and evolving, and becoming something different.

Enjoy your ever evolving, and changing young love today. 

~Lou~

14 Days Round 7

Love is getting a gift from your spouse, that was totally unexpected.

Have a bear hug with someone today. I’m gonna go hug my teddy bear.

~Lou~

14 Days Round 6

I have to say, I love having a sister. She is awesome. I adore her. We love each other and we get along. We don’t fight, and we talk all the time. We have lunch dates, and cupcake dates, and coffee dates, and go over to each other’s house and help clean dates. Yeah, we are those kind of sisters, the BEST kind of sisters. Yep, I said it. This day, love is sisterly.

  

  

If you have a sister, you should make sure that you love each other. They are, after all, your blood, and they will ALWAYS be there.

~Lou~

14 Days Round 5

Occasionally, love is lazy. Today, it’s lazy.

  

Enjoy that.

~Lou~

14 Days Round 4

Love comes in all shapes and sizes. Today, it comes in the shape of four feet and fur. I love my dogs, and they love me. They love me when my breath stinks, and just after I have brushed my teeth. They love me when I have makeup on and when I don’t. They love me when I am hyper, and when I am tired. They don’t care if I brush my hair, or stay in my pj’s all day long. They are unconditional love.

Today, I hope for you that you have a four legged, furry kind of love.

~Lou~

14 Days Round 3

I’ve decided that I should break the mold. I am not going to post a picture every day for 14 days, because for me, sometimes, songs say more than pictures. Sometimes, they speak what we want to speak but can’t. Sometimes they lie, sometimes they are true. Sometimes, love is simply like this.

The Truth About Love

P!nk

The truth about love comes at 3am
You wake up fucked up and you grab a pen
And you say to yourself
I'm gonna figure it out, I'm gonna crack that code
Gonna break it break it down
I'm tired of all these questions
And, now it's just annoying
Cause, no one has the answer
So I guess it's up to me to find

The truth about love is it comes and it goes
A strange fascination it is lips on toes
Morning breath, bedroom eyes on a smiling face
Sheet marks, rug burn, and a sugar glaze
The shock and the awe that can eat you raw
Is this the truth about love

I think you just may be perfect
You’re the person of my dreams
I never ever ever ever been this happy
But now something has changed
And the truth about love is it's all a lie
I thought you were the one, and I hate goodbyes

Oh, you want the truth?

The truth about love is it's nasty it’s salty
It's the regret in the morning

It's the smelling of armpits
It's wings and songs
And trees and birds
It's all the poetry that you ever heard
Terror coup d’etat life line forget-me-nots
It's the hunt and the kill
The schemes and the plots
The truth about love is it's blood and it's guts
Purebreds and mutts
Sandwiches without the crust
It takes your breath ‘cause it leaves a scar
But those untouched never got never got very far
It's rage and it's hate
And a sick twist of fate
And that's the truth about love
The truth about love

I think it just may be perfect
You’re the person of my dreams
I never ever ever ever been this happy
But now something has changed
And the truth about love is it's all a lie
I thought you were the one and I hate goodbyes

Oh you can lose your breath and
Oh, you can shoot a gun and
Convinced you're the only one that's ever felt this way before
It hurts inside the hurt within and
It folds together pocket-thin and
It's whispered by the angels' lips and
It can turn you into a son of a bitch man

The truth, the truth, the truth about love is
Truth, the truth, the truth about love is
Truth, the truth, the truth about love is
Truth, the truth, the truth about love is
Truth, the truth, the truth about love is
Truth, the truth, the truth about love is
Truth, the truth, the truth about love is
Truth, the truth, the truth about love is
Truth, the truth, the truth about love is
Truth, the truth, the truth about love is
Truth, the truth, the truth about love is
Truth, the truth, the truth about love is
Truth, the truth, the truth about love is
Truth, the truth, the truth about love is
Truth about love

Yep, sometimes. Take it how you want to take it, think of me how you want to. I don’t really care. This is my 14 days of love, and if you don’t believe those lyrics, well, I feel sorry for you. Because they are true. The truth is, sometimes love is wonderful, sometimes it is euphoric, and sometimes, it SUCKS.

Hoping your day, today is full of love. The good kind, not the sucky kind.

~Lou~

14 Days of Love Round 2

Today is day 2 of my 14 days of love challenge. Here you go.

This picture is about friendship, and with friendship comes love. I know, I know, so corny. Whatever, it is what it is. A little back story for you. I hate snow. Don’t like the crap. Can’t stand it. Won’t drive in it. Totally home bound when that shit hits. SO, in order to make the best of a really crappy situation, I decided to show my bestie that I missed her and even went out in the snow to show her, in writing, and a picture. I almost froze to death. Just to show her that I miss her, and I love her. She knows (or she BETTER KNOW) how much love that took for me to haul my ass out into frozen hell. So, today, love is writing a message to your best friend in the snow.

Travel on, blurb finished.

Wishing you no snow, and WARM weather! Thanks to the Groundhog (AKA Woodchuck), we are predicted to have an early spring. HURRY UP ALREADY! I’m turning into an ice cube here! (Bestie, don’t even begin to tell me how cold it is there. I would be DEAD. You are stronger than I am, and clearly more warm blooded.)

Signing off with visions of daffodils dancing in my head.

~Lou~

14 days Round 1

14 Days of Love…..

Really? We are gonna go there? Ok, I will jump on your band wagon. This will probably not be your typical LOVE that you are thinking of. I am not your typical kind of girl. So, brace yourself. Here we go.

See this? To me, this is love. This is the epitome of love. This is the first step of me loving me. For the first time, ever. While some will look and say, “That is a pretty tattoo” others will judge me for having a tattoo. Let me tell you something. This tattoo, while beautiful, signifies so much more than any of you will probably ever begin to understand about me. See, I am not sure if you have read my blogs, if you follow the posts and if you know my story (which most of you don’t). I turned 35 last month, and it was hard. It was painful. Not because it is a number, because my soul was screaming. If you want to know more, read about it here.

I have been through a lot in my life. A lot more than most people realize, a lot more than most people care to know. So, for me, this tattoo symbolizes love for myself. A love that is far greater then I expected. A love for the person God made, not the person everyone wants me to be. I have to say, letting go is hard for me. I need a constant reminder to let it go, let it be and be FREE. THIS is my constant reminder.

I want to say thank you to my tattoo artist. Without him, I wouldn’t have my constant reminder to let go, stop stressing all the things I can’t change, and love myself. He nailed the design, exactly how I pictured it. He gets me. 

To those of you that want to criticize my choice to have a tattoo? This is my life, and my body, and I LOVE my ink. So, if you have nothing nice to say, please, shut the hell up.

For the next 13 days, I will be posting pictures and a blurb about love. Today was my kick off. Not too shabby. Continuing the trend of #Epic13. So far, it's been a blast!

Wishing you all love, light and happiness,

~Lou~